I waited. Waited in loneliness, in tears, and sometimes fear. I waited on God, whether His will was yes or whether it was no. I waited and trusted. I poured out my heart. I even pleaded. For four silent and sometimes downright painful years I wrestled with God. It was my will battling His timing. It was active trust battling the fear of life lived alone. My heart ached for companionship, but, God told me to wait. Through the fog of long felt emotion and tears I found contentment. Contentment in Christ. Contentment in being alone. And I found peace in His will. Then God granted me joy.
And then God said yes..
This post has been a long time coming. I wrote it, almost published it, and then rewrote it with a more open hand to what I felt. I want to share my heart. Being open and transparent has always
been something that I struggle with. Maybe it’s out of self-preservation; protecting myself from the judgement of others or perhaps it’s simply out of the fear of being truly seen. In the last year I have learned that being transparent with people is freeing, and builds the sweetest and most real
connections. So, here is my heart, friends. I am excited [ and a little nervous ] to share my journey, but, I hope that through this I can encourage you, relate to you, and build a stronger connection.
Finding “The One”
When I was a young girl I imagined what my life would look like in the future, as I’m sure we all do. I knew I would be married and have a couple of children. I would be the best mother that I could possibly be, and grow to be old and grey with my love. Those things may yet be a reality in my life, but, perhaps not in the timing that I thought. I always thought, or assumed, that I would be married and have two children by the time I was twenty-three.
I am now on the cusp of twenty-five, unmarried, and.. childless. I say that with a thread of humor because I see now how unprepared I was for those things in my baby-twenties.God kept closing that door and telling me to wait, but, I was too naive to understand it. I wanted my life to begin. What I didn’t understand was that life does not begin at marriage; life is in full swing and marriage is another branch, another path, and it is one that we may or may not take.
I grew up in the church during the time of I kissed Dating Goodbye; a book that birthed the idea that your one and only was somewhere out there. That idea, the notion of the one, settle into my heart and birthed an insecure search and longing for “the one“. I longed for companionship. So many people that I knew were pairing up and I couldn’t help but wonder: where was my one and only? I remember feeling so confused and anxious. How am I supposed to know which one is “the one”. I felt alone, and, at times, forgotten by God.
Romantic love for the one your heart will find kinship with on this earth is merely an inkling of the love that Christ has for you.
Over the course of six years [ age 18 – 23 ] I was approached by five young men. Five young men that claimed to love the Lord [ I do not question that in their lives ], and some that claimed to love me. I did not have five relationships [ one of the five was a real courtship relationship ] but the process of getting to know one another took place. Due diligence was done, lots of conversation was had, dates were enjoyed.. but always something was missing; a seriousness about their walk with Christ, no real connection, dishonesty – It felt like a myriad of things had halted my future. With each disappointment came more loneliness and the agonizing question: What if God does not have someone for me? Four of those six years were my crawling years – years spent crawling toward God with my heart in my hand, bruised and broken. Prior to my “crawling years” I had my first truly serious relationship – when I was twenty. It ended poorly, and honestly, it tore my heart to pieces. It was everything that our tender hearts long for; guy meets girl [ in sunday school no less], sparks fly, the proper permissions are given, courtship begins, and I love you starts to creep in. Emotion guided my naive heart. Everything seemed right. He was on fire for the Lord, he said the right things about our future and our family, he made the most beautiful professions of love. Surely this guy was “the one”.
But he wasn’t. He was far from it. His words and actions in the beginning backed up his proclamations of love, but, ultimately he was not truthful, he was distant and unfaithful, he was verbally demeaning, and physically hurtful. I walked away from that young man and I never looked back. That period of time and the painful experiences that I went through confused my heart even more, and left me with a tiny emotional scar to mark my journey. It was not only a scar that marked hurt, but it was a scar of
maturity. Pain grows us. Loneliness that is only remedied by Christ grows us.
As hard as it is to admit, I descended into a pit of despair fueled by the deepest longing and loneliness. I hesitate to say that because I know how that sounds to those who may be struggling through their own despair – being heartbroken over a lonely heart can seem trivial. In my life, it was the greatest pain. I have lived my life with the expectation of being a wife and a mother. Staring into the void of an unknown future shook me, shattered me, and settled a shadow over my outlook.
marriage, and I believe He has knit into our being a desire for that companionship. It is that God given desire that makes our hearts ache when it is not fulfilled. I truly believe that there is a unique loneliness that can settle over your heart when you are walking through singleness. That loneliness gripped me and brought me to my knees.
The worst part about being strong is that no one ever asks if you are okay
We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps -Rest and be faithful
If you made it to the end of this post – Thank you. Thank you for reading, thank your for allowing me to bare my heart.. thank you for giving me the opportunity to step out in vulnerability. Life has its bumps, its twists, and its turns, but, in it all God is sovereign – If you are wrestling, seek Him and He will direct your steps. Rest and be faithful. God has not forgotten you.